youth is not coming back
by milahtalas
Summary: Six years ago, Dan Kuso graduated high school with a broken set of friends and a desire to leave his hometown. Six years later, he comes back and decides he wants to set things right. The process proves to be more difficult and painful than he anticipated.
1. i: it's only winter here

_tw: implied/referenced child abuse (it's only one sentence like, if you squint)_

**chapter i: it's only winter here**

Dan sits, waiting at his designated gate as he falls into a rhythm he knows all too well.

Spending the past few years making trips around the world would make one accustomed to the ins and outs of the airport. Dan watches as planes make loops on the runway, gaining speed before taking flight. It's just a few minutes before nine in the morning. He stifles a yawn before adjusting his scarf and letting out a sigh in the air conditioned room.

Dan ponders on the fact that this will be one of his last flights, at least for a while. He's spent his time in London, Los Angeles, Dublin, Seoul, wherever else he found himself. It was time he'd come back home. Morning light pours in from the windows and warms his body, the heat seeping into his clothes providing a contrast to the cold February weather.

It's wintertime.

The last time he had been in Wardington was in the summer, six years ago.

Dan opens his small carry-on bag. The bag carried his valuables: identification, money, his passport, cellphone, laptop, the usual. A few other miscellaneous things could be found in his bag, including a weathered book he could never exactly bring himself to finish.

He brings out the book; it's a paperback copy of Nina LaCour's _We Are Okay_. The novel was given to Dan six years ago, by a person who he swears had stars in her brown eyes and the secrets of the world at her fingertips. He briefly wonders where that person is now; how is she faring? Does she still treat people with nothing but tenderness in her heart? Has the bitter reality of the world she lives in made her lose her kindness after all these years?

The book is worn; its cover wrinkled and the pages turning yellow. Dan flips open the cover and sees on the first page, written in faded black ink and neat handwriting:

_To Dan,_

_I wish you more happiness than can fit in a person. _

No matter which country Dan found himself in, he could never bring himself to fully finish the novel. Sitting in foreign parks, dimly lit hotel rooms, and airport cafes he brings the book with him, but never makes it to the latter chapters.

He never makes it to the latter chapters, even after six years. Never finds out the ending between Marin and Mabel, the ending of their lost summer romance and their attempt at reconnection in the winter.

Dan takes out the bookmark: a polaroid picture taken seven years prior. He holds the photo in his hand and examines it for what feels like the thousandth time. It's a picture he took and knows all too well.

A picture of his five friends, back facing him. A picture of his five friends at the beach, facing the sea, during a summer he would never forget.

If Dan closes his eyes and thinks hard enough, he can remember the smell of the ocean and the warm breeze on his skin. He remembers the late night conversations with his friends, the warm fire, and the way they bundled themselves up and slept in a cramped tent by the sea. Dan feels the pang in his chest, a longing for those times again, a longing to see those five people which he hasn't seen or heard from in years.

Dan ponders on the "what ifs"; what if he had reached out himself? What if he still kept in touch all these years?

What if they hadn't left things the way they did?

Dan will never forget the smiles on their faces, just as he will never forget the anguish written on them, and the the way he will never forgive himself for leaving things as they were. He's spent all his time in foreign places trying to find himself and make sense of it all but in reality he hasn't changed. It's been almost a decade and he hasn't changed. He's still every bit the Dan Kuso who graduated high school with only half of his friends by his side because he couldn't do enough to save the others. Still every bit the Daniel Kuso who was ready to face the world and at the same time, so scared of it.

He sighs and tucks the photo back in the book, before placing the novel inside his bag. Dan hears the stewardess announce his row to board, and so he gets onto his feet and walks through to the plane, giving the staff small smiles as he tries to make the best of his morning.

During the flight Dan distantly wonders if he'll see any of his old friends when he finds himself back in Wardington.

* * *

Dan spends his first few days in Wardington unpacking bags of luggage, setting up his one-bedroom apartment, and answering calls from his mother who insists he should move back with her and his father instead. The apartment is only ten minutes away from his workplace by drive; he's been hired as a graphic designer in a local rising company, the pay being more than adequate and work hours manageable. He's spoken to his higher ups once or thrice on the phone and from their calls, he's concluded that they won't be much of a pain in the ass to deal with.

He pours himself a glass of water in the sparsely decorated kitchen and turns to lay down on the couch. Rest had not come to easy to him in the past few nights. By day, he'd be busy with arranging his apartment and setting things in place, but when he lays on his bed alone his mind wanders and he finds that sleep was easier in a dingy hotel room overseas. He's in Wardington, he's _home, _and Dan knows for a fact that that was what made it so hard. All the memories of this place clung onto him like second skin. One would think that six years would be more than enough to erase the bitterness, but it only festered.

He wonders if they felt the same too.

Dan wonders if the old coffee shop downtown was still in business, wonders if the park where they spent their youth in still looked the same, wonders if the graffiti his friends left on the neighbourhood walls had faded overtime.

He sets the glass on the coffee table and reaches out for the old, weathered book that he never went anywhere without. He's reached the part where he always finds himself stopping at, something preventing him from going further in reading the book. He stops on a certain line every time, like clockwork. On the paper he reads:

_When I think of all of us then, I see how we were in danger. Not because of the drinking or the sex of the hour of the night. But because we were so innocent and we didn't even know it. There's no way of getting it back. The confidence. The easy laughter. The sensation of having left home only for a little while. Of having a home to return to._

Dan puts the bookmark back in place and takes a gulp of of water. The afternoon light pours in through the apartment balcony, the oranges and yellows of the sunset painting his new home in colours. In those colours he remembers laying down in his childhood bedroom with his high school friends after a tiring day at school, the same sun on the horizon.

* * *

Dan starts his first official day at work the next morning, fresh-faced and with a tumbler of coffee that probably has too much creamer. His boss is the first to welcome him, a woman a few years his senior with chocolate brown hair and a smile that makes Dan feel at ease.

"Daniel Kuso, right? I'm Maia, your boss. We've spoken to each other over the phone," she says, reaching out her hand for a handshake. "I believe you've received the email regarding your tasks and work here. I assume you've read them?"

Dan shakes Maia's hand and gives her a smile. "I'm happy to be here. I've read the email."

"Great! I assume you'll start working on the first task emailed to you, and I'd love to see progress by the end of the week. If you have any questions, feel free to ask Mina over here." Maia gestures over to a petite, black-haired girl about two inches smaller than Dan. Mina gives Dan a wave and a small smile, which he returns.

It's later that day when he sees Mina again, the girl accompanied by a few of their coworkers. "We usually go out for drinks whenever there's a new recruit," she explains. "And since you're the new recruit, we can't go without you, of course."

And maybe it's just the alcohol in Dan's system, but he swears he saw a familiar head of light blue hair slouched over a bottle or two of soju that evening.

* * *

After two weeks, Dan eventually falls into a new rhythm.

Spending the past six years globetrotting was definitely different from the everyday workplace environment he's now found himself in, and so he's pleasantly surprised at how quickly he's adapted to it. Spending late mornings and afternoons at work, winding down in the evenings, with a schedule that could even allow him to work from home if needed be. His coworkers are friendly and always willing to cooperate, and his boss approves of almost everything he submits to her. On most days, he finds himself working with Mina and her team.

It's late afternoon on a Friday and Dan is at the office again, working on designs alongside Mina and an intern, Rafe. Dan finds Rafe to be a serious, no-nonsense person, three years younger his junior. Rafe's eyebrows furrow and he runs a hand through his hair before setting down his pen and letting out a sigh.

"I can't figure this out, I think my mind is going to explode any second now if I have to go through this any longer today," says Rafe, turning to look at Mina. "I think I'll head home now, Mina, if you don't mind?"

"Please, Rafe, go home. I've been watching you for the past twenty minutes and I feel like you're going to collapse any second now," Mina pats Rafe's shoulder, giving him a sympathetic smile. "You're in your final year of university _and _interning for us. Take it easy tonight. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Rafe nods and mumbles a "thank you" before packing his things and bidding his goodbyes.

"You're awfully nice to Rafe." Dan says a few minutes after Rafe heads out the door.

Mina shrugs. "I know what it's like to be in his shoes far too well. He's in his final year of university, top of his class, and interning for us here with the pay being at the minimum. Might as well make it easier for him."

His respect for Mina only grows at that; Dan gives her a smile and goes back to his work. He feels Mina's gaze lingering on him, and if he turns his head he might have seen the calculating way she surveyed him.

"Are you doing anything next Friday?"

Dan shifts his eyes away from his computer screen to Mina, her hand propping up her head as she looked at him. "No, why?"

"I was thinking," Mina pauses. "There's a small restaurant that opened recently and I wanted to check it out."

Dan turns his chair to fully face Mina, all his attention diverted to her. "What, like a date?"

Mina smirks at that. "Well, if you want to call it that."

Dan hasn't had a date in a year. Hasn't had sex in almost that long. His last relationship had been with a guy back when he was working in Seoul, thousands of miles away.

Mina's nice. Friendly, cooperative, kind. She's pretty, too, Dan has that noted since his first day. They've known each other for at least two weeks now, went out for drinks once, had lunch together thrice.

Dan grins. "Then let's call it that. Seven in the evening next week? I'll drive."

"Sounds great. Meet me in front of the flower shop two blocks from here?"

"Deal."

Within the week that followed Dan feels a slight thrum of excitement fill his veins for the first time since he's arrived back in Wardington. That Friday he arrives at his apartment by five, taking a shower and carefully picking out his clothes before heading out.

He parks his car and checks his watch, the LED telling him that it's six-thirty in the evening. Dan's eyes drift to the flower shop, and the next thing he knows is that he's climbing out of the car and into the store.

_It's a date, isn't it? Might as well buy Mina a flower or two. _

Dan steps into the store and a memory creeps into his mind. A memory of a certain silver-haired girl who loved flowers, knew their names, knew their meanings. He remembers how the girl weaved crowns and braided the hair of a grumpy dark-haired boy who swore he hated it. The same grumpy dark-haired boy who sat down let her do what she pleased with his long hair, who smiled at her when she put flowers in them.

Chrysanthemums, petunias, roses, lilies, carnations...Dan vaguely remembers their meanings, scanning over the colourful bouquets on display.

Dan holds the pink carnation in his hand, and remembers the one he was given seven years prior. He remembers how he kept a flower for the first time in his bedroom, how the petals looked like in the morning sun and in the afternoon light.

"_Pink carnations mean gratitude and divinity," she hands one flower each to her friends. "I hope I'll never forget you, and you won't forget me."_

He also remembers how time took its toll on the delicate thing, how the petals slowly wilted and lost its colour. For the first time in his life, Dan pressed flowers into journals. She replaced the flowers each time one died. Dan found the pink carnation to be a constant in his bedroom all those years ago, until she stopped giving them, and his room never smelled of fresh flowers again.

Dan certainly could never forget her. He, however, hopes that she has forgotten him. Behind the sweetness was nothing but a bitter, bitter taste.

He settles for a classic red rose and walks to the counter, placing the flower down and reaching for his wallet. Dan is about to take out his money when he meets the scrutinising gaze of the florist, a sandy brown haired boy with grey eyes. His name tag reads the name: "Joe".

_Where have I heard that name before?_

Dan clears his throat and motions to the flower. "I'll take this, please."

A small smile graces the boy's - Joe's - face. He examines the flower before naming the price. Just as Joe is about to hand Dan the change, "He doesn't talk about you a lot, you know."

Dan must have a look of confusion on his face, as Joe adds, "Choji Marukura. Though you might know him as Marucho."

"H-How-"

"Joe Brown. We all went to the same high school together," _You and your ragtag friends. _"Sorry if I scared you there, Dan. But yeah, Marucho hardly talks about you. Refuses to. I wish he did, though. I feel like it's slowly eating him inside out."

Dan feels dazed. What he had hoped to be a nice night out with Mina had turned into _this_, whatever this was. His old schoolmate suddenly popping into his life again, telling him one of his high school best friends refuses to even speak his name, when he's buying _flowers _of all things. _That's certainly a surefire way to make someone feel like shit. _

Dan remembers that blond boy, a year younger than him, almost a head smaller, and far too smart for his age. Remembers his blue eyes, always ever filled with curiosity and wonder. Remembers how he knew every bit of how the world worked, but was always so afraid to actually meet it. Remembers the bruises at the back of the boy's neck, and his attempts at trying to hide it underneath the collared school uniforms.

Dan also remembers Joe Brown being a smart kid back in school. But goddamn, he swears that Joe Brown isn't being smart at that moment.

"My change, please." Dan's voice comes out cold, harsher than he intended. Joe's eyes slightly widen at the change in Dan's tone, and hands out his change immediately. He puts the money in his wallet then takes the rose.

Before Dan can walk out the door, he turns to Joe. "The next time you see Marucho Marukura, tell him I said hello."

A slight breeze blows as Dan exits the shop, the cold February weather unrelenting. He keeps the flower close and checks his watch - it's only a few minutes to seven, and Mina should be arriving any minute. Dan spends the next moments sitting on the bench by the sidewalk, looking up to the starless skies of Wardington.

_The stars were more visible by the seaside._

By the seaside.

By the beach, all those years ago.

Dan's mind wanders to the book he almost never went anywhere without. Omitting the book tonight, he settles for remembering the certain words that clung onto his mind:

_We were miraculous. We are beach creatures. We had treasures in our pockets and each other on our skin._

And though that character, Marin, certainly meant that in a romantic sense to her then-lover, Mabel, Dan couldn't help but relate her words to him and his friends. Friends? Ex-friends? He didn't really know anymore. But judging from the way Marucho doesn't even want to talk about him, maybe it's safe to conclude it's the latter.

Dan turns his eyes away from the skies to look front, where he heard his name being called. He sees Mina on the other side of the road, waving to him with a smile on her face. She's dressed in a warm turtleneck dress, a knitted scarf wrapped around her, and a sling bag hanging from her shoulders, entirely different from the office clothes he saw her in today.

Dan finds her lovely.

He stands from his place at the bench, eager to greet her. Mina looks up at him with smile that reaches her eyes. "Hey."

"Hey to you, too." Dan beams at her and hands Mina the rose. Her eyes widen and she carefully takes it from his hands.

"For me?" She takes a sniff of the flower. "Never thought you'd be much of the romantic."

Dan gives her a sheepish look. "It comes from years of experiencing less than spectacular dates, I suppose."

Her eyebrows perk in curiosity. "Well, you can tell me all about it on our way there, and over dinner."

Dan recounts his multiple, hilariously failed dates over the years: the one time the guy had misunderstood his text and came up an hour late, the time he paid the waiter to spill his drink on him to get him out of there, and the latest horrendous tale when his date had bought him a box of hair dye because she didn't like how his hair colour looked like on his Tinder profile picture.

With Dan behind the wheel, Mina leads him towards a quaintly designed restaurant downtown; they exchange stories and laugh over the hilarity of most of them.

"I got home and fire alarm is blaring. And of course I thought the worst, so I worried that my roommate, Sana, might've gotten burned," Mina says, digging into the appetiser. "But then I walked into the kitchen and see her panicking and unscathed, turns out she set it off trying to cook _ramen _like a fucking madman. To this day I still have no idea how she did it."

Dan nearly chokes on his drink at that.

As minutes pass by Dan finds himself enjoying Mina's company more and more. The girl is charming and funny, clearly cares a lot about her friends, and has her priorities laid out. He admires her for it.

The evening goes smoothly.

For the most part, that is.

Until Mina takes a few bites of the main course and a few minutes later, her throat closes up.

Turns out the dish has shrimp in it, to which Mina is highly allergic to.

Dan watches as Mina takes in laboured breaths in an attempt to steady her breathing, grasping onto his sleeve as she tries to explain what's going on. Much to her relief, Dan understands immediately and they leave the premises after quickly splitting the bill.

That's how they ended up in the emergency room that night.

Dan lets out a sigh as he slumps into his chair outside the doctor's office. _Another failed date, _he muses. _But it's not entirely Mina's fault. She couldn't have known. Maybe I can take her out on another date next time._

He fiddles with his fingers and tugs on the strings of the hoodie he brought out from his car. As Dan sits in the waiting area, he's reminded of how much he hates hospitals. His disdain from them started a little over a decade ago; seeing the white walls of the same hospital where Dan saw his best friend lose his mother in his arms made him feel rather sick.

Sometimes he can still hear the flat line of the heart monitor, the shrill cries of his friend as he weeped for his dead mother, and the doctor pronouncing Shiori Kazami dead. That black-haired boy had lost so much that day, and it had taken months to get him to talk to Dan again.

"_You've reached the Kazami household. We are unable to attend to your call at this moment. Please leave a message at the dial tone."_

"_Uh, yeah, Shun? This is Dan. It's been months since we've talked. I hope you're doing okay. I-I know you're feeling down, so if you're up to it, you can always talk to me," Dan took a deep breath. "Please return my calls. I miss you."_

_Shiori Kazami died in the spring that year. Dan Kuso received a call from her son in the following winter._

_Dan found himself wrapped in blankets in his bed as he held Shun close, as the latter cried and let himself feel vulnerable in his best friend's embrace. Shun clung onto the sleeves of Dan's sweater as snow came down in sheets outside the window. "I miss her," he muttered between sobs. "Sometimes I see her in my dreams and when I wake up, she's gone. She's gone and I can't sleep. All I think about is her, how much I want her here."_

He lets out a sigh and idly scrolls on his phone, wishing for the doctor to be done with their treatment on Mina. He promised her he'd drop her off at home, and while Dan very much intends to keep it, the dread he feels inside the hospital was slowly becoming unbearable.

He hears footsteps emerge from the other end of the hallway before coming to an abrupt stop. Dan turns his head to the person's direction, only to be faced with their startled gaze.

"Dan."

Dan slowly rises to his feet. "Alice."

He's met with an unmistakable shade of orange hair, with the same brown eyes he last saw years ago. Time is in her favour, as Alice Gehabich is still as beautiful as she was in high school. She blinks in disbelief as she meets Dan halfway, her steps small but sure.

"Never thought I'd see you again so soon," says Alice after a few moments of silence.

Dan lets out a huff. "I thought you went back to Russia, you know, after the whole thing."

Right. The thing.

Alice's gaze turns to her feet. "Yeah, the _thing_. We never really did talk about what happened, huh?" she takes a deep breath. "I took up nursing when I was in Moscow then returned here. It felt like the right thing to do. Still does."

"Are you happy here?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Working here is fine, definitely an experience," she raises her eyes to meet Dan's, and he notes that she's still smaller than he is. A smile forms on her face. "Feels like the right thing to do. I think I've always wanted to help people, make them feel better. There's nothing I like better than seeing smiles on their faces."

Dan holds her gaze and he realises that Alice hasn't changed. Much like him, she's still the same person she was all those years ago.

"I went globetrotting for a while, figured out my time was done there, then came back here. Landed a date and she got an allergic reaction. That's why I'm here."

Alice lets out a genuine laugh, one that Dan definitely hasn't heard in a while. "You make it sound like they're allergic to you."

"We both know I wasn't so lucky in the romance department back in high school. Still am unlucky."

Alice shakes her head, then sighs. "Is it too late to say that I miss this, that I miss you and everyone else?"

Dan finds himself speechless for a moment. The Alice he remembers was always careful with her words, always biding her time, some would even say spoke in riddles. Now he suddenly sees her direct, her words unwavering, and the fire behind her eyes is brighter.

He thought she hadn't changed, but it seems like it was only him.

"No," Dan says after clearing his throat. "I miss all of it everyday."

Alice nods. "I work the graveyard shift tonight. Is it okay if we swap numbers and meet up for a coffee soon?"

"That sounds more than okay."

* * *

Mina continuously apologises to Dan on the way home, even after Dan constantly tells her that _It's okay, we'll just go on a second one. Hopefully one that doesn't include shrimp._

Dan still feels a little ruffled after running into Alice earlier, his grip on the steering wheel alternating from lax to incredibly tight. He takes in deep breaths and that's when Mina puts a hand on his shoulder. "Is everything okay, Dan?"

He lets out a breath. "I feel like I just saw a ghost," he says. "But it's nothing you should worry about."

"God, I hope not. I'm shit when it comes to horror movies and that kind of stuff."

A smirk finds itself on Dan's face. "Oh? Maybe we should watch a horror movie on our next date then."

An astonished look forms on Mina's face as she lightly slaps Dan's arm. "You wouldn't!"

Dan smiles at her, then shrugs before taking a left turn.

* * *

That night, Dan is about to drift off to sleep when his phone buzzes.

**alice (00:01): **julie was checked into the hospital a week ago  
**alice (00:02): **she refuses to talk to me

* * *

**welcome to my dumpster fire of a fic. reviews and feedback are appreciated. **

**connect with me on tumblr: milahtalas. fic is also cross-posted on ao3.**


	2. ii: you make me begin

_tw: emetophobia, underage drinking and smoking _

_wardington is in japan and the legal age of smoking and drinking in japan in 20, characters in this chapter being high school seniors make them younger. however, legal age of drinking in russia is 18, with exception to certain drinks being held back until age 21._

**chapter ii: you make me begin**

Alice Gehabich, to the surprise of many, could actually hold her liquor.

Everyone assumed that the pretty little redheaded girl who was too nice for her own good couldn't handle alcohol. They were, in fact, wrong. She could very much take on her drinks, and then some, thank you very much. And that's what she did. Sitting at the bar with a drink in hand - her fifth? Sixth? She stopped counting some time ago. In the cold weather of Moscow, the alcohol made her skin warm.

She returned to Moscow a week after her high school graduation, booking a flight with a desire to get away from once colourful streets of Wardington. After spending some time with her grandfather and time alone with her thoughts, she finally caved in and made her way to the nearest pub.

The bartender poured her another drink. She thanked him, before taking a sip. Alice drank with a desire to forget, but with each sip her memories only felt even more vivid. As the alcohol ran down her throat she remembered how her friends could hardly make themselves hold her stare, how their smiles never really reached their eyes anymore when she was around, how she felt like everyone had their eyes on her, talking and gossiping about things she probably even didn't do, just waiting for her to fuck up again.

Maybe she was just making all of it up, maybe she wasn't. She couldn't blame them if they _ did _think badly of her, though. Alice remembered how all of it was her fault.

Everyone said that it wasn't, but she knew otherwise. It was her fault.

* * *

She skipped class. Alice Gehabich, a graduating senior, the school's sweetheart, skipped class. If you told this to anyone from the school, they'd probably blame it on the people she was with. _ Ah, she probably got influenced from Dan Kuso and his friends _. _They're always out and about, getting into trouble, _they'd say. _Rumour has it that Marucho Marukura himself was the one who spray-painted the graffiti on the back of the school. I don't get what Alice Gehabich is doing with people like them._

And maybe, they _ had _ been an influence on as to why she's suddenly skipping class, choosing instead to listen to Runo Misaki play the violin in the abandoned classroom on the other side of the school. Being with her friends made her happy, made her feel alive, and she _chose _to be with them.

She came to Wardington alone, her grandfather on another continent and her parents dead. Maybe it wasn't the smartest of things to do, but Alice was fifteen and trying to figure herself out. And if everything failed, well, her grandfather had more than enough money to support her for a lifetime. She could always go back to Moscow.

Moscow wasn't a bad place to be in. It was simply different from Wardington, but Alice found that she liked the atmosphere in the latter, thousands of miles away from home. She liked the people to which she found herself in the company of. Who, despite their differences, had managed to make it all work out. The six of them felt incomplete if one was missing. They were good people, Alice could attest to that, much to the opposition of teachers who ran the school.

So there she was with Runo Misaki, skipping class to lie down on a bunch of tables pushed together, listening to her play Liszt on the violin. Sunlight poured in from the window of the abandoned classroom and Alice closed her eyes, taking in the heat. She took a deep breath as Runo continued to fill the room with music.

The serenity lasted only a moment.

The door opened with a bang, a furious looking teacher holding it in place before he stomped into the room. The music stopped as Runo put down the violin while fear quickly built up in Alice's gut. The teacher seemed to not notice Runo's presence, his gaze steady on Alice.

"You," he started, pointing a finger towards Alice. "What the _ fuck _are you doing, skipping class?" He took a few steps forward and struck her on the face with the back of his hand, causing her to fall from the tables and onto the floor. Pain erupted from the side of Alice's face, a red mark blossoming on her pale skin. A bruise would no doubt develop soon on the side which she fell on. "What? Think you're too pretty to attend class? The absolute _nerve _of you."

Alice cowered on the floor, flinching when the teacher took another step toward her. She raised her arms in defense and prepared for another blow that she was sure would come next.

It never came.

A moment passed and Alice opened her eyes to see Runo standing in between her and the teacher, shielding Alice from the enraged man. Her violin and bow lay on the ground, unattended. A faltering smile appeared on the teacher's face as Runo gripped the front of his shirt. Alice planted her hands on the ground as she watched Runo draw back her fist. She cried out, "Runo, don't-"

Alice's words fell on deaf ears.

Runo had landed two punches on the teacher's face, splitting open his lip and giving him a black eye.

A letter of immediate expulsion was delivered to the Misaki residence a few days later.

* * *

A few minutes after she downed what seemed to be her eighth glass, Alice felt the familiar sensation of bile rising up her throat. She quickly ran towards the nearest bathroom, almost crashing into the cubicle door before she was finally able spit up her guts in the toilet bowl.

The dim lights of the bathroom brought little illumination. Alice let out a sob as she held onto the sides of the bowl. Her breaths came out laboured as tears finally down her face. Well, that took a while. She felt her head spinning as she tried to focus her eyes. Maybe alcohol wasn't such a good idea. Alice remembered how Runo was the last time-

A voice came from the doorway of the open cubicle, but Alice couldn't fully comprehend their words. It was as if someone was talking to her underwater. All she wanted was to be left alone, alone with her thoughts, alone with painful memories that she was too ashamed to share with anyone.

Footsteps slowly became louder and a few moments later Alice could feel the presence of another person right next to her, holding on to her and asking her questions that wouldn't fully process in her mind. Alice turned to the person next to her.

She kind of wished she hadn't.

The woman next to her was her age, and Alice could see the blue color of her hair in the dim light and could smell the cigarette smoke that clung on to her skin. It all felt too familiar.

_Runo held the cigarette stick in between her lips, sparking it with a white lighter that had the letters "R.M." written on it in black marker. Alice sat in front of her and stared at her with an unreadable expression. After the cigarette was lit, Alice gently took the lighter from Runo's hands. "You really shouldn't be smoking that."_

_Runo exhaled, the grey smoke swirling in the air. "You sound like my mother."_

"_I practically am."_

"_She's dead."_

"_Then be thankful that I'm not."_

Alice's eyes widened as she tried to steady her vision. This was a trick, wasn't it? Runo wasn't there, _ couldn't _be there. She was in Wardington, not in Moscow. Alice remembered how Runo told her to piss off and how she hated her guts and how she swore that she never wanted to see Alice again. Alice left the city entirely soon after that. Runo Misaki couldn't be here, next to her, borderline holding her, asking if she was alright. She hated her.

But there she was.

Alice felt like she was going to throw up again.

Tears fell from her eyes as she roughly pushed Runo away, the girl letting out a grunt as she hit the wall. _ Strange, Runo's voice sounds a little deeper._

* * *

Alice visited Runo a few days after graduation.

Runo was expelled just weeks before, and Alice hadn't seen her since. She promptly ignored Alice's texts, yet the little check mark indicated that she had seen them. Runo immediately shot down all of her calls, and it seemed like she was ignoring the rest of their friends as well. Alice thought that maybe Runo just wanted to give it some time, which she was more than willing to give. But how much time were they talking about? Alice missed the smirk that was ever present on her face, the way her eyebrows furrowed in concentration as she played her violin, and the genuine kindness which she tried so hard to conceal with apathy.

Worry reared its face as Alice had sat alone in her bed, thinking the worst for the person she considered her best friend. She asked the other people in their ragtag group - none of them had heard from Runo since. "It's not your fault," Dan said. But Alice couldn't help but feel that it _ was._

She was the reason, after all, why Runo had punched that teacher's face. Twice. The reason why she was expelled weeks before graduation. Alice pretended not to hear the whispers whenever she walked through the school corridors. "Isn't that Alice Gehabich? Isn't she the reason why Misaki's gone?" Alice heard as she walked past. "Told you nothing good actually comes out from associating with them. Did you hear what happened with Kazami?"

Alice graduated from high school. She should've been celebrating. But it only left a bittersweet taste in her mouth, knowing that Runo wasn't there next to her. And don't even get her started with Marucho...

And so she found herself at the front door of Runo's home. Runo's mother had died years earlier, something only mentioned in passing to which Runo refused to talk about, so Alice never pressed on the topic. They had owned a nice cafe when she was still alive, but after her death her father had traded that for a better paying job on the other side of the country. Runo made the choice to stay in their house in Wardington, her father sending her money twice a month.

Alice rang the doorbell and knocked on the door, to which both gave no answer. She turned the knob, surprised to find the door unlocked. Fear flared up in Alice again, as the worst scenarios played out in her head. Where was Runo? Who was she with? Was she alone? Did someone break in? Did someone steal from Runo's house? Was Runo-

The sound of a violin reached Alice's ears. The melody was familiar, Runo had been practising it weeks before. Schubert's _ Death and the Maiden, _Alice remembered. She felt her fear slowly dissipate. Someone was playing the violin, and it was a piece that Alice knew, so it was most likely Runo, wouldn't it be? Alice put down the bag of food she brought in the kitchen, then slowly made her way into the small living room where Runo usually preferred to play the violin.

The smell of cigarettes and liquor hit Alice even before she even set foot in the living room. She stood in the hallway, Runo's back facing her as the latter held the bow and violin in her hands. Every note was played precisely, but there was a certain somber undertone in the atmosphere that Alice hadn't felt the past times she'd heard her friend play the piece. Suddenly there was sharp sound from the violin, causing Alice to wince as she watched her friend toss away her bow and let out a curse.

"I know you're there," came Runo's voice. She walked over to the small coffee table and picked up a glass, no doubt filled with liquor, and downed it in one go. "No need to fucking hide in the hallway anymore."

Alice watched as her friend put down her violin and finally turned to face her. There were bags under Runo's eyes, her lips chapped, skin pale, and eyes unreadable. Alice noted how oily her hair was, noticed the stains in her shirt. She's definitely seen better days. "I knew you were going to show up sooner or later. No need to say sorry or whatever, I've read your texts. Maybe I should be thanking you? Or thanking myself? I finally got out of that hellhole."

"I've been worried about you," Alice said, taking a step closer and into the light. It was an hour past noon but the curtains were closed, the room barely illuminated by the sun outside. She moved to grasp the empty liquor bottle on the table, to which Runo lifted an eyebrow to. "I brought you food; it's in the kitchen. You really need to stop drinking."

"Don't tell me what to do," Runo sneered. "You sound like my mother."

"I think we both know I might as well be."

"Yeah, well, maybe I don't fucking _ want _it!" Runo threw the glass in her hand onto the floor, causing it to shatter and shards to scatter. Alice let out a small scream and turned to look at Runo with a look of incredulity on her face. She set down the bottle she was holding. "God, I - I don't want to fucking _be _anything anymore. Nothing matters, in the end I'm just going to be another waste of time to the next person who happens to find me interesting enough.

"Y'know what my father told me after my mother died? Told me music was shit, my violin is shit, that I'm going to end up like _ her _if I don't stop. And you know what? Maybe he was right. Not that I'd be opposed to ending up like her, anyway." Runo stomped towards the shelves and started throwing the knick knacks off it, sliding off photo frames as more glass and other fragile things hit the floor. In her hysteria, tears rolled down Runo's face. Alice watched in fear as small drops of blood fell from her friend's fingertips, her digits pricked by the small fragments of glass.

As Runo was about to stomp out the living room, Alice ran up to her and placed her hand on Runo's shoulder. Runo turned and forced her arm away, as if the touch scalded her. Alice quickly stepped away and Runo let out a scream, in sadness or anger, she didn't know which. Still, Alice ran toward her, wrapped her arms around Runo's torso and clung onto the fabric of her shirt. She felt tears start to well up in her eyes as Runo struggled to get out of her grasp. The shrill laugh of her friend reached her ears before she felt Runo pushing away from her, the strength enough to shove Alice to the wall. She let out a groan in pain as she felt her back throb from the impact. Alice brought her eyes up to meet Runo's, a slight look of disbelief in them.

Alice got up to her feet and ran towards Runo again, grasping onto the front of her shirt. "Runo, this isn't you," she pleaded. Her lips were set to a frown as she tried to hold back her sobs. "Calm down, please. We can talk, talk about this all, talk about her, talk about him whatever you want. But this, this isn't you. Please Runo, please. I don't want anymore-"

Runo gripped the lapels of Alice's jacket. "You don't want what anymore? Me? Don't want to be around me anymore? I fucking figured. You never really knew me. You, Julie, Shun, the others - you never actually wanted me. What even was I? Baggage? Did you see me as something you people could fix? Fuck, that's it, right? Piss off. I don't want it. I don't want you people. I don't want _ you _. I don't want to see you." Runo's hold became tighter as she pushed Alice away again, the latter falling on the floor beside the couch. She brought up a hand to her side as she nursed it, no doubt that a bruise would be visible on her skin again.

Tears finally slipped from Alice's eyes by then, as she let out sobs. But it wasn't the ache in her back or the pain on her side, no, it was the words that hurt most. She didn't want to believe it, didn't want to believe that Runo didn't want her, didn't love her, that she _ hated _her. It was probably just the alcohol talking, right? It was the alcohol making her do such things, correct? Everything Runo kept inside her had broken free just like that, the dam finally broken and with it came a flood.

She knew that one day Runo would snap, but she didn't realise that it would have been this way, that it would hurt so much.

Alice heard Runo's footsteps and raised her eyes once more, and watched in horror as she picked up a small chair and threw it onto the mirror placed on the wall, above a small desk where placed atop it was nothing but a vase of dead flowers. The mirror broke and its shattered pieces scattered everywhere; Alice shielded herself as the sound of its breaking reached her ears. Afterwards, the only sound in the room were the sounds of their breathing.

Runo avoided Alice's gaze and made her way out of the living room and into her bedroom, slamming and locking the door and leaving Alice alone amongst the ruins of what she had done.

More tears fell down Alice's face as she quietly weeped. The living room was a mess, the floor covered in glass and other small, broken things. Sitting on the floor, Alice leaned her head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling and biting her lips as she tried to stop herself from openly wailing. This was torment, a torture of the cruelest kind. And the worst thing about it was that Alice couldn't fully comprehend _ why._

On the other side of the room, dead petunias fell from their toppled vase.

* * *

When Alice woke up, the first thing that registered to her was her throbbing head and her parched throat. The second thing that came to her mind was the fact that she wasn't in her own bed. The thought made her jump, quickly sitting up and surveying her surroundings. There was no one in bed with her, her clothes all seemed to be intact, and after slowly examining the room she realised that her shoes were nowhere to be found. A glass of water and some painkillers were placed on the bedside table, and Alice gave a silent thanks to whoever left them there as she gulped one down.

She swung her legs off the bed and grasped onto the sheets, closing her eyes and willing the headache away. Memories of last night poured into her mind. Alice knew she would end up regretting all the drinks the morning after, but it was fun while it lasted, right? At least, up until Runo.

Runo.

God, Runo.

Alice knew that Runo couldn't be here, couldn't be in Moscow. _ Runo is in Wardington _, she reminded herself. _She told you that she never wanted to see you again._

And yet, in both of her states of intoxication and states of being sober, she couldn't help but hold out hope-

There was a knock on the door, followed by it slowly opening and a head peeking in. It was a girl, her features vaguely familiar. And with her memories of last night, Alice assumes that this was the same girl who sat down with her on the floor of a dingy bathroom stall. She had light brown eyes and her dark blue hair was styled into a loose ponytail.

_Dark blue hair and light brown eyes, not the light blue hair and green eyes of a certain Runo Misaki. _Alice thought glumly. _She was the one who dragged me out of there, not Runo. Runo doesn't want you, remember?_

Alice had seen her before, when she was visiting her grandfather last week. "One of my helpers," Michael Gehabich had said. "Or patrons? I don't know the word for it. One of her friends is awfully interested in my work and dragged her in with him."

Alice knew her, and was terribly embarrassed that she didn't even know her name.

"Hey, Alice, glad to see you're awake," the girl said. "I, uh, made breakfast. Feel free to come out whenever." She closed the door behind her a moment after.

Alice let out a breath, and finally stood on her feet, and turned toward the mirror in the room. God, if Runo had seen her like this, she'd tell her she looked like shit. Her lips were chapped, her eyes had bags underneath them, and her hair was a mess. She quickly moved to run her hands through her hair in a half-hearted attempt to fix it, afterwards straightening out her clothes. Alice had worn a shirt, a jacket, and a long skirt last night, but now she was left in only the shirt and the skirt. After tidying up the bed she had slept in, Alice found her jacket neatly folded at the foot of the bed, something she decided she would add to the list of things she would thank her host.

The smell of food reached Alice's nose the second she walked into the kitchen. The blue-haired girl was seated at the small dining table, looking up from her phone to meet Alice's gaze with a small smile. "Good morning," she greeted. "Take a seat. Help yourself to breakfast."

Alice took a seat at the table across from the girl. She took the utensils in her hands but didn't pile any food on her plate just yet. "I'm really sorry if this seems rude, and it's awfully embarrassing, but, what's your name?"

"It's okay, I totally understand that," The girl shovelled in a spoonful of eggs into her mouth then turned to Alice. "I'm Chan Lee, people call me Chan. I work with your grandfather."

Alice flushed at this, turning to look at her empty plate. "Oh god, this is so embarrassing. You work with my grandfather, you took me home after you saw me pass out in a pub's bathroom, and I didn't even know your name." Alice hid her face behind her hands. "The fact that I even saw you once in his lab - please don't let my grandfather hear about this."

Chan's hearty laugh filled the room. "I swear I won't tell him. Just a secret between you and I. If anyone asks, just tell them I invited you over for movies then you stayed the night."

"I really wasn't in the best state of mind last night. I'm really, really sorry."

"Sometimes you need to let loose, you know? I understand. Klaus Von Hertzon, a friend of mine who dragged me and couple others to see Dr. Gehabich, well, let's say he really let loose last night," Chan exclaimed. "Got drunk off his ass, and his friend Julio had to make sure he got home safely. I found you in a cubicle crying, and I know we aren't close, but I wanted to make sure that you were alright.

"You don't have to tell me what it was about. If it was enough to make you sob while drunk then it's obviously important." Chan paused and took a sip of her coffee. The smile that was on her face was nothing but genuine. She motioned to Alice's empty plate. "I'm rambling, and you need to eat."

Alice reluctantly nodded, and reached out to put food on her plate, but not without earnestly giving Chan a thank you. "I just have to ask," Alice said. "If I slept in the bedroom, where did you sleep?"

"The bedroom you slept in was a spare. I used to stay in university dorms for about two years before I met Klaus in one of our classes. Turns out if you're nice enough to him he'll be more than willing to buy a two bedroom apartment in Moscow for you." Chan shrugs. "The things he does with all that money, really. Now he's investing it in Dr. Gehabich's studies in quantum physics because he's personally interested. Would you believe that I met him during an Overwatch tournament?"

* * *

Alice arrived in Moscow in March. Her first year in university would not start until September.

That left quite a few months with nothing to do and no one to spend them with. Alice was seated in the living room of her grandfather's mansion. It was a beautifully decorated chamber, showing the scientist's refined taste for art. Alice was sure that the painting that hung on the wall had probably cost a little more than a million rubles. A grand piano was placed on the far corner of the room, and next to it a violin.

A violin.

Alice could still hear the way Runo had played _ Death and the Maiden. _It was a haunting sound. It haunted _her._

Dan had reached out to Alice a few days before she had left for Moscow, stating his own plans of travelling. Julie had called her to say hello and have a small chat, but she could hear the melancholy in her voice, caused by something Alice didn't fully grasp. Shun had even left her a message, the boy being of a few words, wishing her the best. It felt like a farewell. It probably was.

And of course, there was only radio silence from Marucho and Runo. Alice tried not to think about them, and that was always easier said than done.

Time continued its course and Alice found herself spending more time with Chan and her friends. If she spent last year's summer by the beach with her high school friends, this year she spent climbing mountains in Sochi with people two years her senior. In autumn she attended her first year of university, and in March she found herself wrapped in Chan's embrace as she kissed her for the first time.

It was a warm in day in May and the two of them sprawled on Chan's bed, Chan leaving lazy kisses on Alice's jaw. Chan raised her eyes to meet Alice's. "You know, I've wanted to ask you, though you don't _ have _ to answer, of course, but, that day I saw you at the pub…"

Alice stiffened, the memories of that night coming back to her. She asked tentatively, "What about it?"

Alice could tell that Chan had picked up on the sudden change of atmosphere, as she chose her words carefully. "In the bathroom, when you pushed me away… you called me Runo," Chan paused. "Then you said some things about not wanting you, and a fight.

"I've just been wondering… what happened between you and this, this Runo?"

Alice stayed silent for a minute, avoiding Chan's eyes. It would be a lie to say that she hadn't been thinking of Runo in the year she had spent away. She tried calling once, only for it to be quickly denied. That was the first and last time Alice had tried reaching out ever since their little dispute. Even calls and messages from Dan, Julie, and Shun had lessened in frequency, and Alice assumed it was only a matter of time before the line would go silent.

At least Marucho was consistent; she's received zero calls and messages since his father pulled him out of school just days before graduation.

"_It wasn't your fault," Shun's voice said through the phone. It had been a dark December night when Alice called him, him being the first person to which she told in detail about her and Runo's quarrel. Alice used to quietly detest how Shun's voice used to come off as insensitive and monotone during times like these, but she realised over time that his was a voice of reason. "Runo took everything she felt out on you. It didn't help that she was intoxicated. I've had a feeling that she'd snap one day, and it was by some unlucky stroke of fate that you were there when it happened."_

_Alice wanted to believe that it wasn't her fault. She's tried to convince herself for months, alone in her room. But in the four walls of her quarters, miles away from Wardington, she knew it would only be a matter of time before her thoughts swallowed her whole. "If you and the others were there with me, do you think she would have reacted differently?"_

"_I sure hope it would."_

_When January came Alice told Dan and Julie that she and Runo had fought, but nothing more._

"...don't have to answer." Chan was saying.

"No," Alice finally turned to meet Chan's gaze. "You deserve to know."

Chan nodded, urging her to continue. When tears started falling down Alice's cheeks, the redhead made no move to stop them from flowing.

* * *

**RIP alice.**

**constructive comments and feedback are always appreciated.**

**connect with me on tumblr: milahtalas**


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